Hey all my lovely followers, I have a now blog, here is the link would love your thoughts and comments,

Loux 

http://battlingthemilesandmind.blogspot.com/

heeey, would love it if you could check out my new blog :)

http://battlingthemilesandmind.blogspot.com/ 

not posted on this in a while put posting regularly on my new blog :)

Hey Mum and Dad,

I have wanted to talk to you for a while but just can’t find the right time and worry that I won’t get the words out when the time is right.

 Since everything in April I have felt more isolated and unable to turn to you guys, I felt completely awful about the way you had to learn things weren’t as they seemed, and as I said at the time I understand why Hayley spoke to you. I can then also see the way things must have manifested to lead you to go looking for my twitter and question my relationship with Sarah and also my willingness to recover. This made me feel even more helpless, I can justify and give you good reason for everything that you came across but I felt my efforts would be wasted and not believed anyway. I know I am ill, but I’m not stupid and due to the fact I am wanting to recover I am far from blind to the irrational thoughts I have, therefore I know when my thoughts and actions are being influenced by the illness and when they are being made mindfully.

I have depression and an eating disorder; I am not depressed because of my eating disorder. They are two separate illnesses that unfortunately bounce off one another. I constantly feel, however that the fact I am depressed is brushed aside, perhaps it is the ‘need to please’ nature of the eating disorder that makes me feel I can’t admit how down I sometimes feel, because it seems to be met with disappointment and an air of ‘for goodness sake.’ I am not for one minute saying that is how you feel about it, I am just saying that the reactions I have received when I am not feeling great make me feel like that, whether intentional or not, that is just how I feel.

 So, as I already mentioned, the ‘need to please’ nature kicks in, and so when I know it pleases you to hear I’m Ok, or sounding brighter on the phone, then I do, because ultimately all I want to do is make you happy and please you both. Even after you found out how down I sometimes felt I thought things would maybe change, but again I was made to feel it was not OK to be sad.

It only takes the slightest upset, a knock of confidence or a change of plan to make things feel like they are all spiralling downhill when you are depressed. I have tried to explain this before but I can’t let go of the expectations that I should just bounce back from anything and stop being pathetic.

Perhaps it’s better looked at like the eating disorder, if you asked me to sit down and eat a large indulgent meal and keep it down, I couldn’t handle that.

With depression, if you ask me to take some bad news/ or even just a change of plan from what I was expecting, I can’t handle that, I panic, take it personally, as a reflection of my character (this I recognise as irrational, but it doesn’t stop me feeling like that.) Life is a challenge for everyone, it is unpredictable and everyone has to learn to deal with that, but just as you wouldn’t expect me to manage a 3 course meal every evening and be OK with that, you can’t expect me to handle the normal day to day unpredictability without feeling a little knocked down every now and again, and mentally and physically exhausted daily in just trying to be normal and battle the abnormal thoughts.

What I want you to understand is that I really am trying. I am trying to get a job, and for the first time ever I was actually excited about the interviews I had lined up, and not for any other reason other than I was happy with the prospect of getting a job I wanted to do. Naturally it really knocked my confidence when neither came through, and I almost felt it was a sort of ‘I told you so’ situation. When you got back from Morocco and I told you about the two jobs, the first thing I was asked was what else I had lined up. I know what was meant by that, but as I said, its little things like that, they come across to me as almost an insult, asking me when I had told you I have two jobs lined up, if I had anything else in line, suggested to me that you doubted they were going to come through. And you were right.

After everything that happened in April I was really desperately fighting to keep my head above water and I managed, but I guess those jobs falling through were the last straw. I felt myself let go of that determination, I can recognise that, I could take you back to the exact days when it has happened before. It’s such a significant change in mind set and it’s something I still need to learn how to prevent, or at least deal with better.

I was looking to May as a new month, a time to change and a good starting point to flick the switch back and get my head in the right gear again. I have already said that life is unpredictable, but in my wee bubble, when I have things that I think are stable and predictable, I almost use them as my crutches, my building blocks to getting back on track.

I know you guys weren’t to know, and it was something unavoidable but naturally when I was picking up the pieces and trying to put my life back together again, the flat played a massive part in that. It’s like the centre of my bubble, the foundation that I place my building blocks on top of. Take the foundation away and everything crumbles.

I guess what hit me the most, was the fact it was one more reminder of everything I am gradually loosing due to this illness. I have lost what I thought was my dream career, I have lost my potential on the track, I have lost that feeling of ever being someone’s little girl again, I have lost so much time where I should have been enjoying myself like the average 20-something, but I’m not. I feel I am counting down the days until I lose everything.

 Sometimes I want to lose everything, shut off from everyone because I hate feeling like a burden. I hate that I have brought this into your lives and other peoples.

However, I know it is not in me to give up, and I also know I am strong enough to make the right decision that will help me get better. The counselling has been beneficial but I know it is not enough right now, perhaps it was, but as things have deteriorated again the only way I can see things’ picking up is to go down the CBT route. My concern with this though is the effort and energy that must be put in, in order to ensure the CBT benefits. It is stressful, exhausting and anxiety provoking. It is a lot of pressure, but good pressure. However if this is the route I need to take, a job will have to go on the back burner. I am desperate for my independence, but I am fully aware of what I am and am not capable of, as am I aware of the commitment that must be given to ensure the CBT works.

Can you see what I am battling right now?! I am desperately fighting for my independence to hold on to what I am loosing (the flat.) However I am all too aware that I cannot fully commit to recovery through CBT if I am working to keep my independence, and ultimately, if I do not recover I will lose everything anyway.

What I am asking is if there is a way I can stay in the flat, start CBT and then, when in a more stable place look at getting a job. It is a lot of pressure and of course I want a job, but I want a life worth living too, and I think the only way I am going to go about getting that is going back to what worked before, and that was the CBT with Maggie Gray.

I understand financially things are difficult right now, and I am really sorry things haven’t turned out the way they were meant to, but I want to get better and I really want to make you, and myself, proud one day.

Love you both lots,

Louise xxxxx

I am lost,

Alone in this world,

Unknown to my loved ones,

Screaming to be heard.

Pathetic my scream

Barely a sound,

The pleas in my head,

Hopelessly drowned.

“You don’t need them,

And the don’t need you.”

I know where to turn,

I know what to do.

I know this path,

Like the back of my hand, 

I believe once again,

I’ll find the promised land.